They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
