people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
