Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
