Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
