420 ftw
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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