I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
