I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
