we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
