my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
