I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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