Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
