i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
