im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Text me some of your sweat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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