I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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