It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
