When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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