Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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