I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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