I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
