the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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