i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
