also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
