Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
