Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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