I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Help. Why am I so naked?
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