I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just gift wrapped bread.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
