You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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