I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
