Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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