I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Is it because I queefed?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
