he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
