did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
