I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
