A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
