Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
