i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
