what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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