I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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