Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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