my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
