Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
