I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
