i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
