It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
His nipple licking is glorious
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