I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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