The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
