the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
