What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
