she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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