there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
