And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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