Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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