Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
