I faked an abortion last night.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
