What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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