I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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