Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
