I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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