fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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