What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
