It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
