soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
